Dancing with and accepting the different parts of yourself

Recently, we ran one of our monthly workshops where we introduce people to co-creative leadership. During the workshop, we do exercises to introduce participants to their own leadership game.

Something interesting happened in this session. One of the participants came to see me at the end to talk about some of the negative sides of herself that she learned about during the exercise.

The theme of the conversation was: “how can I have all these positive traits but also all of these negative traits?” This led us to a deep conversation about the different parts of ourselves that live inside us all at once.

In this article, I want to tell you a bit more about the exercise we did in the workshop while also talking about this notion of the different parts of us.

Revisiting the leadership game concept

A very simple definition of your leadership game is seeing it as your personal operating system. It is what defines you as a leader and as a person. It is what shapes how the people around you experience being with you.

Your leadership game extends to all areas of your life. It drives how you react at your best and at your worst. It is not a single thing, it is a combination of your values, your behaviours, your beliefs and how you act in certain situations.

You could also say that your leadership game represents different parts of you. Some of these parts you are proud of and others may cause you discomfort of shame when you think about them. The reality though is that these are all parts of you that you live inside of you.

How can you begin to see your leadership game?

Now, let’s move from the concept to something more practical. Let me guide you through a simple yet revealing exercise that we use in our workshops to help leaders discover the different aspects of their leadership game.

I will share the basics of the exercise so that you can use it for yourself but keep in mind this is just a starting point for you to start discovering pieces of your leadership game.

• Step 1: Find a partner. This could be at home with your spouse or could also be with a friend or a colleague if you prefer.
• Step 2: Identify roles. Identify the person that will ask the question first and the person that will answer.
• Step 3: Set a two-minute timer and start asking the question. The person asking the question should ask it over and over again and say nothing else. This person should also note down the answers the other person is giving.
• Step 4: After two minutes, swap roles. The person asking the question should now be answering it and vice versa.
• Step 5: Move on to the next question and swap roles again. Go back to Step 3 above until you cover the three questions below.

Here are the three questions to use:

• As a leader, at your best, who are you?
• As a leader, under pressure, who are you?
• As a leader, at your worst, who are you?

Once you finish answering these questions. Have a chat with your partner and talk about your answers. What patterns do you notice? What hits closer to home and feels more true to you?

After discussing your answers, consider how these leadership traits impact your effectiveness and relationships at work. Are there things that surprise you? How can these new insights shape your leadership development goals for the next six months?

The different parts of you

After completing this exercise, you might find yourself surprised by some of your answers. This brings us to an important aspect of leadership— understanding the various parts that coexist within us, and that shape our decisions and actions.

I shared earlier that after the workshop, I was chatting with one of the participants and this person expressed surprise at how bad they were under pressure or at their worst. The participant was now judging themself because of their answers.

This feeling is actually normal to an extent when you do exercises like this. You tend to see parts of yourself that you maybe did not expect to see. We sometimes call these parts our shadow or our dark side.

The initial reaction is to want to cancel these parts or change them to something else but the reality is that these are just different parts of you that you need to be aware of. In some circumstances, these parts may actually be useful to you or be one of your superpowers.

A quick example to illustrate

Let’s use a basic example of stubbornness. Maybe when you are under pressure or at your worst, you are a very stubborn person. But is this always a bad thing? It actually depends on what you are being pig-headed about. There are times where your team may actually appreciate this part of you. There are also times where you may find it useful to be able to dig in and hold your own in a discussion.

Understanding and managing these diverse parts of you can be challenging, yet rewarding. Let me share a personal example that illustrates how I navigate my own contrasting traits in a leadership scenario, specifically when I'm on stage.

For me, when I give a speech or a conference, I know there is a part of me that tends to be an introvert as well as a bit nervous and stressed beforehand. I also know there is a part of me that is more of an extrovert and that loves being out there. This part just needs a few minutes to settle down and take over. So the trick for me is to acknowledge the part that feels stressed and trust the extrovert part will show up and let it do what it does best.

Where can you take this next?

I often tell people the first step is to start seeing your leadership game in action. By this, I mean to see the moment a trigger occurs and your leadership game wants to kick in. You want to practice this and get as close as possible to a point where you can see it as it is happening.

How are you feeling when the trigger occurs? What is going on in your body or in your mind? To come back to my example of getting on stage, my stress feels a certain way in my body. I can feel tension in my shoulders, there is an itchiness to my hands I just want to shake out. Then I hear that little voice of doubt wondering out loud if everything will be ok, if I will be able to deliver my content, if the stories will come in time.

When this shows up, my conditioned response now is talking to that part of me. “Oh wow, thank you for showing up! That means this talk matters and is more important to me than I thought!”. This self-dialogue almost automatically calms me right back down.

Oh and funny little story, the song I use in my warm-up time before going on-stage is “Waiting for Superman” by Daughtry. It is almost as if I am summoning that other part of me.

Conclusion

To circle back on the exercise from earlier, what are the parts of you that you want to focus on? By paying closer attention in meetings or conversations with your team, what can you notice about these parts? How do they show up? What are some of the triggers that cause them to show up?

For the first few weeks of you noticing, do not try to change anything. Just focus on learning what triggers some specific parts of your leadership game. Make this a personal growth project and keep a journal of what you are discovering about yourself.

If today’s insights sparked your curiosity and you are ready to explore further, I’m here to guide you. Click here to schedule a discovery call with me. Together, we can tailor a development plan that aligns with your unique leadership style and goals. I look forward to supporting you in your journey to becoming a co-creative leader!